


A Melancholy Anniversary

by NestaArcheronWillKillMe



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 10:16:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15861630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NestaArcheronWillKillMe/pseuds/NestaArcheronWillKillMe
Summary: Basically a lot of nessian angst- my first multi-chapter fic.





	1. Drifting

She was drifting again, he could see it in her eyes. They had become duller, more hollow. 

“You know, sweetheart, you look stunning in that dress. It really accentuates the luscious curves of not only your hips but your very…breastly breasts.”

That had her attention.

“Thank you, Cassian, but I’m sure the rest of the table would rather not listen to your measly attempts at finding a word synonymous with a bosom.”

It gave him immense, unending joy knowing he could relight the fire in her stormy eyes. 

“Rhys and I were discussing couple names earlier and we decided on what you all should be. This is final and is not up for discussion. We are your High Lord and Lady after all.” Feyre looks to Rhys, practically making love to him in that gaze and for a minute he wondered what that would be like with another Archeron.

“Okay, so of course we would be feysand-”

“I thought we agreed on feyrhys.”

“That sounds disjointed the point is that they merge…join…become one.” Her eyelids dropped as if they were suddenly heavy and she looked up at Rhys from under her eyelashes.

Azriel, ever polite Azriel, coughed pointedly. 

“Right. Yes. Your names would be Elriel, Casta and Moren.” She went back to eye-fucking Cassian’s brother. 

Nesta snorted, as did he. “Yeah, sweetheart, we should have that engraved on our wedding rings.” 

It takes him a full second to realise what just escaped from his lips. It takes Nesta no time at all, just that one word and her eyes become haunted again. 

“…I, I prefer nessian.” She stutters. Oh fuck, he has really done it this time. Nesta never stumbles over words.

Those panicked and troubled eyes remain solely fixed on her meal for a further fifteen minutes. 

~ ~ ~

Fifteen minutes after hearing talk of a wedding and her thoughts remained frantic. She had now sliced and chopped her meat into tiny little pieces, she thought they looked like shards of a broken mirror. 

Just like that, another image fills her thoughts,  flashes of calloused hands grabbing and groping- blood. 

No, wine. On the table. 

She must have been shaking. 

She felt everyone’s eyes on her, she worried everyone must have found out. They must have read her mind. They must have. They must have brought him back to torment her and- tears. She had started to cry. Her lips wobbled in a fight to keep her cries of anguish contained. To try and force a smile. 

The sob that escaped her was less than unconvincing. 

She stood sharply and ran out of the room, not before witnessing Feyre,  Elain and Cassian all standing to help her. 

Her heart ached and her head pounded, filled with these unwanted visions as she slumped against her door and felt so utterly lost within herself. 


	2. Fear is Consuming

“I’m such an idiot.”

Those were the first words which came out of his mouth after Nesta left. They were so completely true when it came to that woman though. Cassian looked shaken and his voice was hollow as he spoke.

“Don’t be too harsh on yourself, she is probably just stressed and premenstrual- you know what she’s like. It was just that we were all here and she was overwhel-”

“You don’t know everything Feyre! Today was the anni- today was the one day I had to keep her happy, had to, keep her distracted and…the one day and I fucked it up.” His chest was heaving in anger at both Feyre and himself as he ran up the stairs after Nesta.

“Nesta?” He knocked on her dark oak door. “Nesta, please…I know you’re in there.” He hoped that the obvious statement might have provoked a reaction. He waited. Nothing.

Cassian slumped down the side of the door, mirroring Nesta’s position unwittingly. He had so much to say yet didn’t know where to start.

“Toma-” He stopped as he heard an intake of breath from the other side of the door. “He was a bastard for touching you like that.” Her crying intensified. “But”, he hurried, “he’s gone, you’re here now, safe. With us.” After a moment he added, “With me.”

He felt, more than heard, her breath catch. “You can’t always save me, you know.” She murmured, her voice raw. It made his heart physically ache to know that she felt that way.

“I know that I can always try.” He replied, his own voice more vulnerable than he expected.

“He…he was a  _pig_ , not a bastard. I know a bastard and he is much more of a gentleman than I like to admit.” He could hear her blush and a smile tugged at his lips.

“Is that so, Nes? Tell me, what exactly this _bastard gentleman_  does to sway your opinion so.”

~

The night went on and the others emptied into their own rooms but Nesta barely noticed, she was too engaged in what was probably the longest conversation she had ever had with Cassian. Even if they were on opposite sides of a door.

“Whatever happens, sweetheart, I’m here. Always.” The pure, unfiltered love which was expressed through those words shocked her enough for her to jolt against the door and so Cassian tumbled in. She was up on her feet in an instant.  _Why, why, why?_

“Cassian, I can’t. You can’t. You have to go. I am so… _destructive_. Just leave. Please.”

The blood which flowed through her suddenly felt charged and she was so consumed by a feeling of guilt that she didn’t notice it’s build up.

“Nes, please, I don’t understand. You don’t understand. I’m here for you. Goddamn it, I love y-” He was flung outside the door with an immensely loud thud. The others were out in an instant to investigate the commotion, expecting a fight from an enemy.

They rushed to the unconscious Cassian, glancing back at Nesta in fear. She tried to move forward to help but found she was encased in an invisible wall. Her heart pounded more erratically. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I’m sorry.” The tears which came were of no comfort to anyone. The walls, the walls. _She was pinned to the wall, unable to move as his hands roamed where they pleased. Grasping at any flesh he could abuse until his fingers found her-_ Her final thought was of Tomas before she knew only darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me xX


	3. Unwanted Beverages

Cassian awoke with a start, sitting up sharply and causing his head to spin. “Nes?” He mumbled. The inner circle looked furious at hearing her name, he wondered why for a moment. Then he remembered.

“Where is she? Is she okay?” He demanded, his voice every inch the Commander of the Night Court. He stood and made to run in search of her however an arm blocked his way. “Rhys, get out of my way, where is she?” He was confused at his hostile attitude because whilst he knew he’d be angry at her surely he would understand.

“Nesta is safely in a room upstairs and has been given…suitable refreshments.” Mor looked nervous as she said the words. Looking around at all of them, they each seemed different. Edgy and uncomfortable.

“I’m going to see her.” Cassian made another move to get past and was once again blocked.

“I wouldn’t advise it, she’s still temperamental,” Azriel said.

“ _Temperamental?_ What is that meant to mean?”

“It just means that she’s still…not quite right.”

“She is going through some shit, just like  _we all have_  and you are not giving her a fucking chance. She made mistakes in the past. Like  _we all have_. You are all treating her like shit because she has _powers_ , are you kidding me?!” He furiously addressed Rhysand. “The most powerful High Lord of all time, you don’t feel threatened because she might just feel more or because she might  _snap_  or even because she might hurt _darling Feyre_. You feel threatened because she might decide _to do something_  because she has the desire to make a  _fucking difference_  because she now has more than enough  _power and anger and love_  to make people  _pay_  and to  _make a difference_.” His heart pounded as he met everyone’s gazes with glares to rival Nesta’s. “ _You are all cowards_.”

~

 

Nesta’s head throbbed as she sat up from her bed. She opened her eyes slowly to see a small table in the middle of the room, on top of which sat five bottles of wine. She was not in her room. _Why the hell?_  She remembered.  _Shit. Shit. Shit. Cassian._  She ran to the door and yanked it open. Except she didn’t. It was locked. She was locked in a room.  _She couldn’t get out. There was no escape. She was going to be sick_. She hurled up what little of dinner she had had right there, by the door.

“Cassian!” She shouted, or at least tried to, it came out as more of a loud sob. “Cassian!…Cass!” After a moment. “Please.”

After what could have been hours she realised how desperately  _thirsty_ she was. She looked around and quickly realised her only option was the wine.  _Shit. Why would they do that?_

They knew, they had to know.

Resigned to her fate, she opened up the first bottle with her teeth and took a sip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cassian is great xX


	4. Promises

The next day Cassian went to Nesta’s room, only to find it devastatingly empty.

_Shit._

He frantically ran down the corridor to the guest room. No Nesta.

It was a half hour later that he realised the only room left was the small room downstairs usually reserved for guests with a bad reputation.

He knocked on the door first, he didn’t know why. Habit, maybe.

“Tom-?” Nesta murmured from the other side. Her voice seemed slightly slurred?

“It’s Cassian, sweetheart. Are you okay?”

“Oh- Cass, I’m not feeling so good. My headaches.” Her voice was definitely slurred.

His head was spinning. Why would her voice be slurred?

“Nesta, have you, have you had anything to drink?” Please say no. Please ask for some water.

A beat passed.

“Nesta?” His heart was going to burst out from his chest if he wasn’t careful.

A noise.

A sharp intake of breath before it was shakily allowed to escape again.

A sob.

“Nesta, it’s okay. I’m here, you’re safe.” After a moment he relented to his inner worry. “I’m going to break down the door, okay? So, move out of the way of the door.”

He heard a scuffle and then another sob.

“Okay, here I go.” He alerted her and waited another moment before thrusting himself into the door.

It broke easily under his supreme strength.

Nesta was on the floor. Crying.

The worst part was that she had a bottle in her hand.

“Cass.” She choked. “I can’t live like this anymore. I just can’t do it. I can’t. I don’t want to feel. I…I don’t want to live.”

They were both crying now. He had hoped that he wouldn’t ever hear those words from her, even though he knew it was unlikely considering all she had been through.

“Nes, I  _love_  you, I  _value_  you. You mean the world to me and I don’t care what anyone else says- you are the most caring person I know.” He hoped he said it with conviction.

“That doesn’t change this Cassian. I’m sorry. I just can’t. I’m not strong enough to…I’m only running from myself and I can’t do that forever.” The utterly exhausted look in her eyes devastated him.

“Nesta Archeron you cannot leave me.”

She took a deep breath.

“Cassian, I’m pregnant.”  _What. No. Please. Cauldron._ “That’s why…I think they knew…the wine…they must…I’m sorry.”

“Nesta, you can’t leave now. Who’s the father?” He felt a tightening in his gut at the question, at having to ask it, at knowing it wasn’t himself.

“Not important. If I have this baby, can you promise me to look after them? If this is the one fucking promise you make to me that you keep, I’ll leave happier.”

 _He couldn’t. He didn’t know how. It wasn’t his. Nesta. Nesta. Nesta_.

“Yes. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not getting better any time soon, sorry xX


	5. Back From The Dead

Nesta smiled. Not a beaming smile which showed all her teeth- like Mor’s- it was a genuine smile of affection. She stood, extremely unsteadily, and proclaimed that she needed to find Magja- the healer.

She was interrupted by Cassian. “But, on one condition- that you will try so fucking damn hard to stay with me, okay? Promise me you won’t just shut yourself out.”

“Cass…” He glared, “I promise, I’ll try.”

~

“Thank you, now let’s go find Magja.” He held her arm to steady her as they slowly walked through the halls together, he knew it was wrong but he felt the urge to smile at how close they had become. That was until Rhys came through from the lounge door.

“What’s wrong, Cass? Is she hurt?” He had the audacity to look genuinely concerned.

“She has a name.” Cassian’s voice was low and threatening.

“What’s wrong? Lighten up, you’re always so edgy when we speak about her.” His manner was joking but all Cassian could think of was the damage he may have caused the baby. “Anyway, we thought about what you said earlier and I want to apologise- to both you and Nesta. I’m sorry- the others feel the same- we should not have treated you the way we did Nesta.” There was something in his eyes that was off, even though the rest of him seemed regretful.

Nesta looked to the floor, “It’s fine.”

“No, it is not fine!” Cassian replied- so utterly confused by Nesta’s response. She should be screaming at him- telling him how much of a bastard he was. Instead, she was just…passive.

“Leave it, Cass. It’s fine.” Nesta urged him, pulling on his arm. His head was spinning as she pulled him away and to a small room where we found the healer.

“I heard your call and came right away, what’s the problem?” Her kind eyes reassured Cassian that Nesta was in safe hands.

“I am with child and have recently been…under stressful conditions. I had hoped that you could check that the baby is still okay.” Nesta sounded so tired, so defeated that it worried him to the point where he thought he might be sick.

“I’ll do a once over but I’m sure you’re just fussing over nothing.” she set about her work, tugging up Nesta’s shirt and placing her hands on her abdomen.

“What’s wrong, Nes? I mean, I know today’s shit but back then with Rhysand, what was that about?”

“I’ll tell you later. Just leave it.”

“No, I won’t accept that, Nesta. I expected you to tear off his balls and feed them to him for what he did to you.” He looked her dead in the eyes, trying to read her. He saw a flicker of irritation.

“Fine, okay? It wasn’t him.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t him, of course, it was! You must be-”

“ItwasTomasMandray.” She spoke the words quietly and quickly as if afraid they would summon him.

“What? He’s dead, Nesta, sweetheart. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“He’s back, Cassian. Trust me, Rhysand isn’t Rhysand. He’s Tomas Mandray.” The determined look in her eye told him that she was right.

“Then what do we-”

“Your baby, although still very young, is worse than I initially thought. I’m going to have to do further tests and then we can think about perhaps forcing a miscarriage to ensure your health, Emissary.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was fun........  
> xX

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like, it only gets worse from here xX


End file.
